


The Succulent Throes of Self-Wrath

by 8ad_Wolf, terminallyCapricious (murderousCohort)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Meteorstuck, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 07:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5860393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8ad_Wolf/pseuds/8ad_Wolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/murderousCohort/pseuds/terminallyCapricious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Gamzee Makara and you’re way more lonely than you ever thought you would be. Remembering failed relationships never helps, but you failed to learn that lesson. So you ponder. (A dangerous ideal.) Your false idols have never cushioned your fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Succulent Throes of Self-Wrath

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you’re way more lonely than you ever thought you would be.

The meteor is worse with the humans, in your opinion. All they’re doing is using up the supplies and turning the heat way higher than it needs to be. You watch them walk by from your vents on a daily basis, and you think about how you could just ask Karkat to talk to them about-

No you couldn’t. He hates you, and it’s your fault. You went crazy, you barely remember it but you remember enough to have nightmares about it. Mean laughter, your vision going blinding white, voices in your head telling you to just kill them, get it over with, and then waking up with scratches on your arms and face and horns. You’ve wanted to go to Karkat, and you almost did a couple times, but you decided against it every time. He wouldn’t care, right?

You’re thinner than you were when you last saw other trolls too. Your shirt hangs off your body like you imagine it would on a hanger. Your stomach growls constantly, but you don’t pay much attention to it. There’s nothing for you to eat in the vents, and you can’t risk going down and taking food from the pantry. Last time you did that, Kanaya threatened you with her lipstick. You wouldn’t wish that on your worst enemy.

So yeah. No food, no real communication, no way to stop the nightmares that come every other night.

Gods above and below with their merciful tentacles, you miss Karkat.

There was the week or two when you were moirails, and you often think about how nice it was to be... taken care of. He always hugged you and brushed hair out of your eyes and sometimes he would even compliment you in a tone of voice you rarely hear from him. He sounded like he actually cared for you. His voice was soft and quiet and beautiful and you wish he would talk to you like that more often.

People talking brings your attention back to now. There’s voices coming from the living room, and you crawl (the vents aren’t tall enough for you to stand) over to the vent looking over the main living room. Kanaya (you think) is yelling at Karkat. She’s saying he needs to help out more, and you want to go yell at  _ her _ for even thinking that. You’re positive Karkat’s helping, after all, he’s your leader.

“No, see, I’ve been looking for Gamzee,” Karkat yells.

“That is not our top priority, when he wants to be found, you’ll find him!” Kanaya screeches back, waving her arms around.

Karkat turns and walks out of the room without another word. You watch him leave, and you watch Kanaya put her head in her hands and sit on the couch. You wonder if going out and telling her not to boss Karkat around would make her feel better.

Somehow, you doubt it.

It does surprise you, however, how Karkat’s actually looking for you. You almost want to make it more complicated and hide from him just to frustrate him, but you’re not sure if you actually want to do that. If he finds you, you could have piles again, and maybe he’d try to convince you to actually take care of yourself. You don’t think you’ll actually follow through with the promises you’ll probably make, but who knows?

...You can't do it. He would be so disappointed in you. You can't handle the looks. No, you're going to… you don't know what you'll do.

* * *

(“Gam,” he says. He sounds heartbroken. “Did... Did you do this?”

“I dunno,” you admit. “If I did, I don’t remember doin’ it.”

Karkat lightly touches a cut on the side of your face. You gasp and wince. He mutters sorrys and tells you he won’t do it again, but you don’t know if you can trust him. He’s been gone for this long, why does he get to come take care of you all of a sudden? You feel anger rising in you, and you grip Karkat’s arm, you know you won’t be able to stop it when it comes.

“Hey, shoosh, I’m sorry,” he says. Your hands start shaking, but you realize it’s not from anger anymore. You’re...

You’re terrified.

You’re terrified of yourself and what you might do and what if you hurt Karkat? and-

“Gamzee, hey, stay with me.” Karkat’s voice brings you back. You let go of his arm and pull yours in by your chest. It’s still shaking.

“Kar, I-I’m shaking, what do I do?” you say helplessly. Your voice is way higher than normal, and you don’t like it.

“Why are you shaking?” He sounds legitimately concerned.

“I don’t know.” You let yourself be pulled into a hug. “What should I do?”

“Take some deep breaths, okay? Here, breathe with me.” He takes a deep breath and you try to do the same. Your chest starts hurting about halfway in, and you wince again. Karkat sets his hand over yours lightly and breathes out slowly. You do the same.

“Do you feel any better?” he says after a minute or so of that.

“My head feels all funny, but yeah,” you admit. You weren’t expecting it to work.

“Okay. Is your chest alright?” You nod. “Hey. How about we go get food.”

Your stomach aches at the thought. “I dunno if...” you start.

Karkat gives you a sad look. You sigh and say, “Alright. I’ll try, for you.”

“Thank you, Gam.” He leans up and kisses your chin lightly. You smile.)


End file.
